Midlife

Me, year 2018

Me, year 1980

Today I celebrate my 40th birthday!YEHEY!!!👏

I have been waiting for this milestone for years. The last time I was this eager to grow a year older was when I turned 18. I didn't have a grand debut because we could not afford it. All I had was a gathering of my high school and college friends. It was a very simple party but it was my happiest birthday.

I remember writing down my wishes and dreams on that day. Unfortunately, I no longer have that journal. Probably it was included in the heaps of documents my father disposed when they relocated to La Union. Did I reach those dreams? Did my plans go as I wished? Probably and probably not.  

My 22-year voyage from that day was both smooth-sailing and rough. If I was very excited to turn 18, I am very anxious to be 40. 2018 was very tough. Well, you can say my mid-life crisis started a year early. Last summer, I went into depression. 

Murphy decided to try his law on me. It rained and it poured! It started when we made our helper leave. I was overwhelmed with the work I had to juggle. I was a mother and a father at the same time. Ryan is working with another company and we'd be lucky if he can come home every weekend. I managed our household on my own. My career took another detour. I had to re-learn what I left six years ago. I have an arduous boss and timorous subordinates. It was grueling for me. I had a difficulty coping up. I was lost, confused and sad. I wanted to give up on life. 

I was very difficult to deal with, especially for my husband and my kids. At work I was very quiet and timid, very opposite to my usual cheerful personality. At home, I'd get angry even for small things. My kids became the receptor of all my frustrations. Raphael and Loraine were in the puberty stage, struggling their own battles. Karina suddenly became clingy and needy. It was horrible that they had a broken mother who cannot understand and support them. Ryan and I had conflicting priorities and we tolerated each others shortcomings just to avoid conflict. This act proved to be lethal.

I alienated myself from my peers, choosing to be with only a few people. But I still didn't open up to them. I tried several times, but fear consumed me. I was afraid to be judged and labeled. I was very unhappy. I missed the old me, the sunshine girl 🌞. 

But like in the movies, a superhero must go through the lowest of her life to know her true power. For me, my true power is my family. Ryan stayed and held on despite my craziness. After a tearful discussion about our differences we reached an agreement. He understood my needs and adjusted his way of life. He had finally realized that a happy wife means a happy life. 

Not having a helper turned out to be a blessing. My kids learned to be responsible citizens of the earth. My two older bears can now cook, do laundry and clean the house. They now also know how to budget and save. Karina became my spirit lifter. 

The most vivid wish I made at 18 was to be always happy. But being an adult in a world where failure is more revered than success is hard. If at 18 I was eager to achieve my dreams, at 39 I was worrying about the things that could go wrong because I may have set very high expectations. Today made me realize that I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I'd like to believe I lived and living a good life. And I have my battle scares to prove that... the growing number of white hair (which hair color can no longer hide), fine lines (around the eyes, forehead and the bridge of my nose), recurring pain in the knee and back (especially during the cold season) and weight gain (curves in the wrong places). 

What's in store for my next chapter? I got readmitted to the University of the Philippines Open University after being on AWOL. I'll be starting this January and by God's grace, I'll be wearing again the sablay in a year. We'll celebrate our crystal year wedding anniversary in May 💕.

And so what wish(es) will I make when I'll blow my 40th candle? I thought of three... to age with grace, to be healthy so I would see all my grandchildren, and to live and enjoy life to the fullest!

Happy 40th birthday to me! Looking forward to the day I'll turn 60!

Mantra for the next two decades

Cheers,

Jong*

P.S.

Thank you for all your greetings and wishes.